Could my Child have an Eating Disorder?

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August 25, 2020 - Episode #28 - Could my child have an eating disorder? 
As parents we worry.  We are concerned about our child's physical wellbeing, emotional and mental health. And when you see your child have an obsession with food or their overall appearance; it begs the question...Is this normal or is this an eating disorder?  Listen in as I interview Kristen Cairns, Licensed Professional Counselor, as we discuss children and young adults' obsession with food, weight and overall appearance. Many of your questions about eating disorders, what to look for, how to communicate with your child and modeling healthy behavior towards food will be answered. 

Today's Guest: Kristen Cairns  

Kristen is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), specializing in working with teens and young adults with eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and struggles with body image, self-esteem and self-worth. She has worked at all levels of care, from clinical inpatient to partial hospitalization, and now has an outpatient private practice in Dallas. She loves helping patients reconnect with their values and rediscover the freedom and joy that come from living authentically and in relationship.   You can connect with Kristen at www.kristencairnscounseling.com

Note : Treatment of a diagnosed Eating Disorder needs to be handled by a professional who specializes in eating disorders.  As a Dietitian and Health Coach, eating disorders is not my specialty but I'm more than happy to guide you to someone who is.  That being said, I love to empower moms with a healthy outlook towards food so that they can have a positive impact at home.  To book a one-hour virtual session, please click here https://www.inspirehealthyharmony.com/coaching.html#/
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FULL TRANSCRIPT

August 25, 2020 - Episode #28 - Could my child have an eating disorder?

Speaker 1:
The obsession with food, your weight and your overall appearance. Is it healthy or is it an eating disorder? We are unpacking this hot topic today, on Healthy Harmony.

Welcome to Healthy Harmony, where we help you clarify and discuss health tactics to harmonize your life. I am your host and health coach, Jennifer Pickett. And today my guest is licensed professional counselor. Kristin Cairns. Kristen is a licensed professional counselor specializing in working with teens and young adults with eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and those that struggle with body image self-esteem and self worth. She has worked at all levels of care from clinical inpatient to partial hospitalization. And now she has an outpatient private practice in Dallas. She loves helping patients reconnect with their values and rediscovered the freedom and joy that comes from living authentically and in relationship. Kristin, thank you so much for joining me. How are you today?

Speaker 2:
I'm good. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited.

Speaker 1:
This is such a, it's such an important topic and I think it is one that has all of us as parents. Just kind of leaning in a little bit closer to, to hear the information that you're going to share with us today. So this whole topic of eating disorders, do you think that eating disorders is on the rise what's going on? What are you seeing?

Speaker 2:
I think that's hard. I do think that they're becoming more prevalent and I think there's more awareness at an earlier age. And so I think parents and teachers and just people involved in these younger girl's lives are recognizing it earlier and becoming more aware, which is a really good thing.

Speaker 1:
That is, that's a great thing when we're just becoming more aware and we kind of know what to look for, but how can you tell whether it is like healthy, where, you know, someone is concerned about their health, they're taking those measures to take care of their health, or it is an obsession and it has gone into that realm of being a eating disorder.

Speaker 2:
That's a really good question. So a lot of what I look at, what I'm differentiating though is, is how much of your life is consumed by food and exercise in thoughts of busy or my patients who are struggling with an eating disorder, they're talking like 80 to 95% and their time and their thoughts are consumed by their appearance, food exercise and things related to that. So it's our past normalized. I want to take care of myself. Okay.

Speaker 1:
Just that obsession. Do you think with a, and this is, you know, getting us into an interesting area when, when it comes to all of our teams around social media, we're on social media, do you think it has made this obsession a lot worse?

Speaker 2:
Yes. Is there's so much comparison there. Everybody shows their highlight reel where they look perfect. Their family's perfect. They're super thin. You can use filters and look better than you do in real life. And so people compare their reality to everybody else's not reality.

Speaker 1:
Yes. Yeah. I think it's made it just a lot, a lot worse. And I like how you put it earlier in my, in my workings with clients and I'm working with, with older clients than you are. But just seeing this kind of fixation on food and helping someone recognize that but then seeing the freedom that comes about when they recognize it. And then they're kind of released from that, and they're no longer fixated. And I, you know, I had a client recently who said food does not have control over me anymore. I'm not fixated on the food, but it was that process of realizing that she was fixated in the first place. So where do you think that happens? What is that line where someone crosses the line of some healthy behaviors into eating disorder? Where is that line and how do you think that happens?

Speaker 2:
I think it's really when it becomes the obsession and they lose control of the grant. And so in eating disorder, talk a lot of times we'll say that there's a line that somebody with an eating disorder will cross that somebody without a medium starter wouldn't cross. So there's certain things that I would not do to lose weight, right. Like I might say, I want to lose five pounds, but I'm not going to do certain things to get there. Where somebody with an eating disorder, it will do pretty much whatever it takes.

Speaker 1:
Okay. So it's just that complete obsession and not having any kind of judgment that, Hey, this could be potentially dangerous. Is that what you're saying?

Speaker 2:
Yes. And it's more wanting that short term ex so when I bench or I courage or I take lacks, it is, or I restrict all day, I feel better in the short term. Yes. It's not going to help me long term. It's really going to be super detrimental to me long term, but it's going to take away the negative feelings right now. It's going to numb the hard feelings that I don't want to deal with. And so it's going to help short term and I want that.

Speaker 1:
Wow. So what are some of those signs that parents need to look for? The signs that their kids are exhibiting that would prompt them to say, okay, we need to get some help because I think this is an eating disorder. Yeah. So

Speaker 2:
I think parents and I tell parents often they need to be aware of any of those setting, changes their kids, becoming more interested in diets, becoming really appearance focused and making excuses not to eat with other people. They're not always eating with their friends and they're not always not hungry. That's just not true. And so a lot of interesting lies that parents or kids will say that parents buy into because they believe that they're eating with their friends or they're not hungry, or it can be easy to see those things as normal when they're often those early signs wearing baggy clothes, looking at mirrors, a lot, making negative comments about their body weight changes obviously. But again, parents tend to normalize that and say, they've been six or they've lost weight, or they've just been eating healthier and don't recognize it in the beginning. So I think some of those are the more subtle signs that actually often are indicative of a deeper problem.

Speaker 1:
So really trying to see those signs early on, instead of waiting until it manifests itself into larger problems. Is that what you're saying? Yes.

Speaker 2:
And not being afraid to ask the hard questions and say, is this deeper? Maybe it's not, but maybe it is. And we can catch it earlier and treatment can just be done faster if we don't wait until it gets really bad.

Speaker 1:
You know, speaking as a parent, I think that's where it gets really tough sometimes. Is are we willing to have those tough conversations? Are we willing to sit down and just talk? And I think with our crazy busy schedules, a lot of times says good conversations are missed. And so I think for me, you know, as a parent listening to you, I think one of my takeaways is simply, okay, we've got to be willing to talk about this stuff and ask those tough questions. And obviously our, our teenagers especially are gonna not, are probably not going to go right along with that, but to continue to show love and ask those tough questions and allow that time and space for good conversation. Do you have any examples of questions that a parent could ask to find out like what's going on in the head of their teenager or their child?

Speaker 2:
Yeah. You think just being really open-ended with that setting the stage or, Hey, I have time. Is there anything that you want to talk about? Is there anything that you're anxious about or worried about how are you feeling about your body, especially in this teenage years when their bodies are changing a lot, being able to have an honest conversation about what is that like for you and letting them kind of open the stage. I find that too many closed questions, it's easy for teenagers to give yes or no answers and be done. If they're uncomfortable with it, if it's a more open conversation, they're more willing to go there. Right.

Speaker 1:
You're so right. And I, you know, I've seen that in coaching. It's interesting. Cause this is the, what we, what we call the coach approach, right? The counselor approach is asking those very open-ended questions. Because if we ask, if we ask the yes or no close ended questions, we're not getting, we're not going to get that information. And I'm learning too because I have teenagers is making sure they know that they can come to me and talk, but also giving them space to do so. And I've even given them the freedom to say, okay, Hey mom, I need to talk to you, but I just need you to listen and not talk. And that's hard because as a parent, I really want to fix it. I want to fix it. I want to offer my suggestions and my advice, and let's get done with this and move right along. But I know they have to have the space to just talk and feel heard. And so I think that's a, another good you know, some good wisdom that I'm gleaning from you as we're speaking. So I'm curious what made you go into this sub-specialty of counseling?

Speaker 2:
So I knew from a pretty early in my career that I really wanted to work with the teenager college age, young adult age range. So when I was focusing in my master's program, I took several classes, just really dealing in adolescents and young adulthood and eating disorders were something that came up a lot. I had some personal experience, which is close friends and people really close in my life who struggled with eating disorders. And so I felt like it was coming up in a lot of different areas that I really just felt pulled towards. And it's something that's really common in the population that I love to work with. And it's becoming more and more common,

Speaker 1:
Tough to hear some of the things that you're hearing on a daily basis. And it is, it's heartbreaking to hear that it's becoming so much more prevalent, but as we, as we look at our society, that's becoming, so me focus, look at me, it's all about me and it's all about appearance. I think, I think we're going to get, continue to see these numbers just continue to rise. So let's talk about this as we talk about children and teenagers how can parents instill that positive self esteem and what are some things that they should not do? So let's talk about the positive self-esteem first. What are some things we can do to instill that positive self-esteem

Speaker 2:
And our kids? So modeling is a huge, huge thing for moms, teenage girls and young girls look up to their moms as such a model of what it means to be a girl and to be a woman. And so do not be the one who comments negatively at your body as a mom. Your daughter can not hear you say anything negative about yourself, because it's so easy for a young girl to internalize. Okay. So mom, places, a lot of appearance or a lot of importance in her body. So it must be important for you to, and if mom thinks that she's fat, I'm a similar size and shape as she is. So I must be too.  If mommy has to lose weight, I must need to lose weight too. And even if you're not telling your daughter that that's what you're hearing, because they want to be like you, yes.

Speaker 1:
And they're going to model that. You know, I do, I see this a lot. Because again, I get so many clients with just that diet mentality and it's what we've been taught. This is what society has really infiltrated when it comes to food and nutrition. You know, it's all about the diet, this about, about this latest diet and, you know you know, losing weight and all of this. But I think when a child grows up in that environment with a mom who is constantly talking about her weight and her size and the diet that she's on, and it is in such a negative, negative manner that has a lifelong impact. Again, going back to my adult clients, as we impact this, going back to their childhood and seeing a very common thread, and I'm seeing moms who were often on diets and talking about weight, and it was such a negative environment that that child grew up to have a lot of funny ideas about their weight. And this was such a negative experience that they have carried with them into adulthood. And it's a big obstacle when it comes to them getting healthy and really combining that physical health and mental and emotional health. So it's just could not agree with you more. So obviously the mom needs to to really model that what are some other things that that parents need to not say or not do?

Speaker 2:
So don't make food good and bad avoid those labels. This is good for you. This is bad for you. This is healthy. This is unhealthy. There is some level of, yes, don't eat cake for every single meal every single day. Like I get, there's a moderation in that, but to somebody with an eating disorder mentality, they tend to be very, very black and white. And so if something is quote unquote bad, that is something that you can never, ever, ever eat. So really modeling moderation and what healthy, normalized moderation looks like is yes, eat cake on your birthday. It is normal tea cake on your birthday go to a birthday party. Like those things are normal parts of life and it's not bad. And more than that, it doesn't make you a bad person. It gets tied to morality a lot that food does not make you a better bad person and food is not intrinsically good or bad.

Speaker 1:
I like how you put that. I think it's a very interesting conversation, you know, cause we do we have made some foods good, some foods bad. And that's, that's not the case, but if we talk about health and we talk about true health, you know, it's, again, I think making foods good and bad ties into that diet mentality, which is such an unhealthy mentality. I'm going to go on this diet, meaning I'm going to start this thing and then end this thing. And then I'm going to go back to what I was doing before. But I think what happens is that when we assign a food as being bad, and then we eat that food, then we feel bad about ourselves. So I think it's interesting as we have this discussion, I can't help, but think about this functional medicine approach, that approach that looks at food as several key things, food is obviously fuel for the body.

Speaker 1:
Your body has to have it just like gas has to be in the car to make it go. That fuel is necessary. Food is also information, information for the body. So we look at what kind of information we're putting in food as medicine, you know, can definitely heal the body and provide so many benefits, but also food is connection. So if we start to label certain foods as bad, is it going to interfere with our connection with others? Cause we can't get away from the fact that we use food to celebrate. And so that is healthy. That is real. And it's just part of our world. So food is also connection and I think that's part of it. So how could a family support someone? You know what, let me go back, Kristen. Cause I realized something and I realized that we're talking about eating disorders and we've had this great discussion. I really want us to take just one step back, please define some of those eating disorders for us and some things to look for. I think that would be really helpful for our readers.

Speaker 2:
Yeah. So when we look at eating disorders, we're typically looking at anorexia bulimia, binge eating disorder and then this kind of lump all category. It doesn't quite fit any of those other ones. So anorexia is primarily restricted. So you just don't eat enough. Bulemia is, can have periods of restriction, but there's also a compensatory aspect to it. So there's that pair of Jean after they eat and over exercise to get rid of those calories or laxative use in some way you're taking away those calories. And then binge eating disorder is eating large quantities of food in a discrete amount of time, but not having a behavior that goes with it. So there's not any kind of laxative use overexercising or vomiting associated. 

Speaker 1:
Okay. Very interesting. What are, how can, what's the best way that a family could support someone going through an eating,

Speaker 2:
Being open to talk? It's really, really big to try to talk to them teenagers and may not want to talk to mom and dad about what's going on. So I think that everybody should have a counselor and I have a counselor, I think all mental health people should have counselors. 

Speaker 1:
I think everybody should have a counselor.

Speaker 2:
Yeah. So you can just be helpful to have that third party person that's not to talk to. And if it is an eating disorder, getting somebody who specializes in eating disorders is super important, you would not believe the amount of patients I've had who have worked with counselors or therapists in the past, who had said really, really triggering things with super great intentions. So I get where they're coming from. But a lot of the things that intuitively seem like they might be helpful are buried misconstrued I people with eating disorders. And so it is like any other mental health, something that you really need to fully understand and really specialize in to work well with it. So just find somebody who's close to you close to wherever you live that really specializes in working with eating disorders.

Speaker 1:
That's very good advice. To first of all, you know, listen, but also get help, get support. You're not going to figure all this out on your own. And I think sometimes we have this stigma associated with getting help or with counseling and we have got to get over that stigma because there's a lot of suffering and a lot of struggling that would is unnecessary. If we would just, you know, let down the walls and get the help that we desperately need. And I have to say, I really agree with you when it comes to eating disorders. This requires a professional who is highly skilled and highly trained and experienced in the area of eating disorders. As a Dietitian and a health coach myself, I have had people come to me and say, Hey, Jennifer I know so-and-so they have an eating disorder. Can you help with them? And my answer is always, that is not in that area. That is not my specialty because I want to make sure they get the help that they desperately need. And they've got the right Dietitian, they've got the right counselor and those folks are working together so that they can really help this, this client, this patient. So I'm really glad you brought that up. It's such a big, hot topic. What are some, when it comes to eating disorders, what would you say are some of the misconceptions that are out there?

Speaker 2:
I think control gets thrown out a lot that it's just about control or they just want to be skinny. And while control is often definitely a part of eating disorders, that's not all it's about, it's so much deeper than that. And even worse than that, I think the appearance one is something that just is really an accurate. Yes.

Speaker 1:
Interesting. So tell me more about that. When you say that that misconception are you saying that someone that is concerned with how they look, that's what this is all about and they should just kind of get over it? Like what are you saying there? Tell me about, tell me more about that. Let's unpack that. 

Speaker 2:
It's just deeper than that. Yes. There is an aspect of it that often starts from wanting to get healthy or wanting to lose weight. When we go back into eating disorder history, a lot of that started from, I was 12 and I was playing on a sports team and it got really competitive and I just wanted to be faster or I wanted to be better at soccer. And so I wanted to lose a little bit of weight or I just wanted to feel better about myself. And so I went on this diet, but then it split to the switch from being something that was healthy to being something that was so disordered. And that comes from a lot of deeper roots. And so a lot of times trauma involved with it. Trauma is really, really big with eating disorders. It can be just deeper feelings of inadequacy, lack of self worth desire for acceptance.

You get so much praise and validation when you lose weight. And so just really seeking those positive. I get so many compliments when I lose weight and people tell me, and now it's not even about what I look like anymore. It's just about people pleasing and getting that validation, wort, positive coping skills. A lot of patients do not have coping skills. And so eating disorders just Nam that. So whether you're overly all or you haven't eaten all day, all you can think about is food. And so at depression and anxiety, and you don't have to deal with what's hard when all you can think about is either what you're eating or what you're not eating. It becomes that singular focus and that is tangible and it's easier than emotional.

Speaker 1:
I think that you know, as we look at this, it's that that question, what are we turning to, to numb the pain and clearly with eating disorders, but even outside of those who may not even have that diagnosis, are we using food to cope? Are we using food to numb the pain? And it's so important that people just get the help they need. This has been just so very eye opening. Is there any other piece of advice or resources that let's say you've got a parent listening to this podcast and they're like, Oh goodness, I don't even know what to do, but I'm, I'm seeing some warning flags and I'm really concerned what, what should they do? What's the best piece of advice you can give them?

Speaker 2:
See if you're willing to have really open conversations with your kid about it. Try to see more of what's going on the Nita website. It's H E D a and it's the national association for eating disorders. That website has so much good information. There's a free quiz on it that you can take, or your child can take to determine if they need help. And so I think that's just a good starting place because it really breaks down eating disorders in a really tangible, understandable way. So if you're trying to decide, do we need more help? That can be a good first step. There's a book called life without ed that especially teenagers, young adults can really relate to you. It's written by Jenny shaper. And she's just funny. She's super easy to read. So that's a book that a lot of patients really relate to, like

Speaker 1:
That's for some fantastic resources. And I really liked that you pointed out that there was like a little quiz that would be very helpful in someone, you know, determining, Hey, is this a bigger issue that we need to get some help with? This has been so very insightful today. It's such a hot topic. I wish we had even more time. I know that you and I could probably spend a lot more time talking cause there's so much here. But I wanna make sure first of all, I just want to thank you for spending time with us today. Thank you so much, Kristin. And you're welcome. And I want to make sure people know where to find you. So give us your contact information so they know where to find you.

Speaker 2:
So you are always welcome to email me. My email is Kristin Cairns [email protected]. I also have an Instagram, so you're welcome to follow that. So if you have any questions, I would love to just answer questions, talk to you a little bit. If you're just needing some help and some insight into this, please reach out. I love talking about this kind of stuff and I would love to be able to help.

Speaker 1:
That is awesome. And what is the name of your practice in Dallas? So Kristin’s practice is in Dallas, Texas, where she sees clients and tell us the name of that practice.

Speaker 2:
Kristen Cairns Counseling. And I am at 75 at 635 in Dallas. So super easy to get to it's off to major highways. So you have anywhere in the metroplex. It's pretty central.

Speaker 1
Okay. That is fantastic. Kristin, thank you so much for spending time with us today. Guys also remember to subscribe to us on your favorite platform of choice on Facebook, on Instagram @inspirehealthyharmony. You can also join in the discussion on Facebook As we unpack eating disorders, we want to hear your thoughts and opinions and your struggles. And also you can always check us out on inspirehealthyharmony.com. So until we meet again, I hope you have a healthy and happy day.